Two months out of treatment. Every day, a little better……but the progress “feels” too slow for me. I know – I’ve been through a lot, but I’m still impatient at times and frustrated with my progress.
I had an appointment with Dr. J last week and she said all that I’m feeling is extremely normal and to be expected after what my body has endured in the past seven months. She said my progress is great, better than most, she even added – which was encouraging. Leave it to Dr. J to make me feel better, even at a routine check up. She’s amazing.
Regardless, there are still days that I just get so frustrated with my body. How could this have happened to me?? How does this happen to others who take such good care of themselves, why are so many people being diagnosed with cancer these days?? Is it the stress in our lives, the chemicals and pesticides in our foods or the environment? Or – is it due to more advanced medical practices and early detection?
I know, I know….We will never quite know the answer to that question, but it’s still there.
Most of the time I continue to be strong and positive……but now, I’m giving myself permission to have “down” days as I heal.
I gave myself permission for down days after the diagnosis, the surgeries and the treatment, but I guess I had hoped for a “magic wand” to wash it all away when I was finished with those incredibly intense parts of my battle with cancer. Since finishing treatments, I’ve tried to live my life as if I was “done” with cancer and believe me, in my mind, I am. Yet, its a long process of healing. My body is telling me that I’m not there yet and I need to listen. It’s still healing and repairing after a rough ordeal, both physically and emotionally.
This is my new normal, I have to accept it and be ok with it. It’s not easy. I want to be well. I want to have the energy to spend time with my kids in Newport this summer without feeling like I need a nap to make it through the day I want to be able to run my business at full speed without missing a beat. Not yet, my body tells me. Go slow.
Patience and Acceptance. Dear God. Ok.
I know those energy filled days will come back, eventually. I am working very hard to take good care of myself. I am one of the lucky ones. It was caught early and for that, I am blessed. I’m forever grateful that I am here – to watch my kids grow, to be with the people I love, to feel the sunshine on my face and the music in my heart.
I can’t push myself too hard, as I was accustomed to doing in my life before cancer. I need to remember that and pay attention. I get bursts of energy and want to do everything, and then my body whispers, stop – and I am forced to listen. Wow. What life lessons. I’ve never had to work so hard to “dial it down” and not get caught up in the fast pace of life as we know it. Being mindful and conscious of what I am going through helps. Taking the time to sit down at my computer and write about it helps. It helps me to think, and it makes it real. It helps me to embrace my life for what it is, and to move forward with the beautiful possibilities of what it will be.
Thank you for being here with me and giving me a reason to write.
Thank you – to everyone who continues on this journey with me, for listening, for reading and being there for me. You all…..are my inspiration.